I’ve been doing a lot self-reflecting, and talking, about the state of my mental health lately.
Often times I find myself hyper focused on the fact that I’m not “100% okay” and therefore need to classify myself as “not okay”. It makes me come across, and feel like, a much more negative person than I’d care to be. It’s not fun. What I’ve found is that we (mainly I), need to allow ourselves to have parts of ourselves that are not 100% okay, while still enjoying life and focusing on those other pieces of us. Honestly, I’d love to meet someone who isn’t struggling with something related to their mental health because then I will meet a real life unicorn.
What I have found, is that most people I do surround myself with are going through their own struggles. The difference is some people may not be as willing, or able to be, as open as I am. What I’ve learned, sometimes the hard way, is that we need to set boundaries with each other about how much they are willing to take on of our own struggles (and vice versa). We need to be mindful not to bring others down by adding our own weight to what they are already carrying. What’s also important, is communication. Letting those in our lives know how much we are carrying, and how much we can take on. And also communicating that we may care, but can’t express it in the way the other may need. One thing I’ve learned recently is that many people in my life have different communication styles.
Like communication styles, everyone has different love languages. I’m realizing that in all relationships, not just romantic, it’s important to learn and understand our own love languages as well as those closest to us. I’m also realizing that it’s okay to have certain needs. I’ve always felt very selfish about having my own needs in any relationship,, but as a friend pointed out to me recently, I give and give and deserve to have that in return. Another big life lesson I’ve had to learn is that sometimes not sharing and understanding these needs do more harm than good.
I recently saw this, and it really resonated with me.
In any type of relationship, all of these make me feel safe, and understood. I’m making it a goal to learn more about my friends’ and family members’ love languages to best be there for them, and with them.
While digging deep about communication, relationships, and needs I had another realization. I’ve more-or-less always looked at myself as being broken, and not good enough to be loved. No one person has made me feel this way, and I’ve had people in my life make me feel really great. It’s me who views all my imperfections as flaws, when really, there’s so much more to me than that. Not everyone is ready or able to balance out someone like me, and that’s okay. It’s taken me a long time to get here, but, it’s okay. After looking back at years and years of relationships in various capacities, I now know that I want, and deserve, to be with someone who isn’t afraid to tell people we are together. Someone who will be there with me as I figure out life, and as they figure out theirs. To celebrate the good days, and hold my hand on the hard days. Someone to fall asleep with and wake up to. Just because I feel that I’m not perfect, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve happiness. Because, let’s be real. If I wait around until ‘I’m “fixed”, I’ll never give myself the chance to be happy.
All of this rambling really comes back to perspective. Just because there are some dark days, doesn’t mean the sun won’t shine again.
In talking to my therapist recently, we uncovered, uh….. a lot. And, she assured me that I’m not alone in this, and that more people than I realize feel the way I do.
So, here we go…
I live my life in a constant state of feeling inadequate and not good enough. In all areas of my life. As a sibling. As a friend. As a girlfriend. As a co-worker. As a human. All of it, and everything in-between.
There isn’t one person, or one moment in my life to blame here. Looking back, I never remember not feeling this way. Honestly, I thought this was just how people were supposed to feel.
I always feel like people are spending time with me because they feel like they have to. Not because they want to. And then it hit me at 3am the other night. (Ya know, normal time for your best thoughts.)
We aren’t in first grade anymore. It’s not 1991 where the whole class has to get invited to birthday party at Burger King whether you actually like your classmates or not.
That was a lightbulb moment. Despite all the therapy, all the tears, all the grueling thinking. That one thought changed it for me. We are adults. We get to choose who we want to spend our time and energy with.
I find that I am constantly giving my power to other people. See above (siblings, partners, friends, co-workers). Again, this isn’t blaming anyone, and I don’t want the 3 people reading this to feel bad. I mean it when I say,
It’s not you, it’s me
I make myself feel so small, so worthless. And, it’s not fair. Not fair to those on the receiving end, and most importantly, not fair to me. I am smart, capable, funny, kind. Worthy and deserving all the things I attribute to others. All the high standards I hold other people to – I am worthy and capable of those things too. Worthy of success. Worthy of love. Worthy of pure, genuine happiness.
I don’t “owe” people for being my friend. For dating me. No one is being my friend or dating me because they have some obligation to do so. It is a mutual contract (for lack of a better word). We both are in the relationship (in whatever aspect) because we both want to be there.
I was talking with a good friend about this, and how I need to learn ways to make myself understand and believe that I also have power in the relationship. He said that there may not, and probably will never be, a perfect balance. However, that I am never without power. He also told me that because there will not always be pure balance, that we need to trust the other person because there will always be uncertainty. And, I think of that every day and am working toward that perfectly imperfect balance in all areas, and relationships, in my life.
It’s been…. A while…. Since I’ve written. I got burnt out on life, and wasn’t feeling creative or expressive in this way.
A lot has happened. I’m back in therapy. Getting my anxiety and depression meds sorted out. (I’m doing BetterHelp. I know therapy is close to impossible for people to get into right now, and this has honestly been life changing for me.)
In therapy we started talking a lot about vulnerability. How it’s better to be vulnerable and scared than safe and lonely.
On the topic of being vulnerable: a major breakthrough I had, and I guess still have to a point, is a fear of intimacy. Not just physical, but also emotional. I’ve spent years building up brick walls. Those bricks are made of detachment, sarcasm, memes, and depression. Very gray, very black. Just like I joke that my heart is.
🖤
I’ve realized that certain pieces of life are causing me to put back up those bricks that I’ve worked the past year or so to chip away at. Why is it easier to be cold, cynical, and alone than to be vulnerable, communicate and feel accepted?
If you have the answer PLEASE let me know.
This is with all relationships. Family, friends, romantic. I found that I am kind of an asshole. But, hey, that’s part of my charm, right? If you’re reading this and part of my life, I am publicly apologizing. And thanking you. For dealing with who I was, and who I am.
I’m working every minute of every day to allow myself to continue to be vulnerable. With those around me, and most importantly with myself.
Using my time and energy with intention. Actively listening and hearing when others are speaking. Breaking out of my comfort zone to have better and more effective communication. Pushing myself to overcome the anxious and depressive thoughts and to see the glass has half full. To see the joy and positivity in life. To genuinely feel happy.
This isn’t my normal writing, but, again. Vulnerability. I made a promise to myself (okay, mainly to my therapist) to get back to something that sets my soul on fire. And dusting off this blog was the first thing that came to mind. (Aside from eating pizza and donuts… which also really sets my soul on fire)
So, you may or may not know I’ve been on a recent journey to getting healthy. Mainly losing weight, and then whatever else comes along with that. Small things, like totally changing my relationship with food 😅.
It’s honestly been a weird ride. Weird that I’m sticking to it, weird that it’s working, and weird with the mental struggles that I’m seeing with it.
This may sound kinda crazy, but I feel like I’m losing part of my identity, and part of my security blanket, by losing weight.
I use it at a crutch. I use it with the self-deprecating humor I’ve come to rely on over the years. Honestly, I never really thought anything was wrong with the self deprecation, but now I’m discovering that maybe it isn’t the healthiest for my mental and emotional health. (Weird, right?) I always thought if I called myself out for how I thought others perceived me, than it would save me the hurt of hearing it from them.
“how I thought others perceived me”
There in itself is a major problem. Did anyone ever really see me the way I saw myself? Does it really matter how others see me if I can’t see myself in a real and healthy way?
I’ve always used my weight to keep a wall up, and to really avoid letting people know me… especially when it comes to dating. Before anyone says anything, I know that what I’m about to say is pretty f*ed up, not true, and I’m working on it. But, I always thought that I wasn’t worthy of someone loving me, because of the way I look. That because I don’t see myself as the prettiest girl in the room, or the skinniest, or the best dressed, that I’m not worthy of love.
Like I said, I know how f*ed up that is.
I still think that. I know, it’s not good. I’ve always been insecure and self-conscious, so it’s not something that will change overnight. But, I am working on it and slowing seeing changes in my thoughts and self-talk.
I’ve also been anxious that weight loss will and won’t make my mental health better. If it does improve my mental health, does that make me a vain, shallow person? If it doesn’t improve my mental health, then what will? I have this picture in my head that the healthier I get physically, than the healthier I will get mentally. What I’m also learning is that I need to put in the work mentally as much as I am physically. #balance?
I’m also working on seeing the physical changes that other people see in me. There are times that I look in the mirror in my now too big, baggy clothes, and I still see the same miserable, chunkier girl from 4 months ago. I don’t always see the hard work paying off. Don’t get me wrong, when I do a side-by-side of my face, I see it. How could I not?! The most insane thing to me is how my glasses look incredibly different on my face. But, when I look in the mirror or catch a glance of myself, I’m just not there yet. Body dysmorphia is a real thing.
I’m not saying any of this for validation or compliments. Because, I don’t know how to take a compliment, and I don’t need them to keep doing this. I’m doing it for me. But, I’m saying all of this more so because I feel that there may be just one other person out there in the world who feels crazy for feeling this way, and I want them to know that they aren’t alone.
Lastly, the comparison game is vicious. I never want anyone to compare their journey to mine. It’s hard not to compare, I get that. I compare myself to people all the damn time. And, it sucks, and is so, so defeating. We all need to celebrate each other, instead of question and compare.
So, wherever you are in your journey, whether it’s weight loss, mental health, etc., keep going. I’m proud of you.
Wow, it’s uh, been a while. Quarantine has been interesting to say the least. I haven’t been writing (obviously) and have been going through a rollercoaster of emotions.
If you read my last post, you’ll remember that even at the beginning of quarantine life was a mess. Well, it only progressed from there.
My mental health wasn’t great. My jeans were fitting a little tight. I felt lost, confused, and just angry at myself, and the world around me. So, what did I do? I decided to get my shit together and start Weight Watchers. What better time to cut back on drinking beer and to kick my emotional eating habit other than the death of one of my dear friends, mixed with a human rights movement, wrapped up in a quarantine and served up on a pandemic?
Right?
Well, here we go. I took the quiz, figured out what plan I am on and instantly felt lost, overwhelmed and like I needed a snack, or a drink. LOL. Off to a great start.
THANK GOODNESS for my mom. For many reasons, but specifically in this story for helping me figure all of this stuff out. She started WW a few months before me, has been KILLING IT. She is the one who recommended I give it a try one night while I was having a slight mental breakdown.
I used to really enjoy cooking and baking, but then my social life got the best of me and I got away from all that. Well, thanks to the quarantine I had nothing but time, and absolutely no where to go. I really wanted to stick with this new plan, so had to get creative if I didn’t want to eat chicken and veggies every day. I started to experiment and have fun in the kitchen, and it became a great outlet not only physically, but mentally! I stepped out of my comfort zone with new recipes, and drinks. It took me a bit to come to terms with, but I really do enjoy a spiked seltzer. (Nothing will replace my love of IPA’s… but I’m all about that balance right now.)
WHO KNEW THAT A HEALTHY DIET WORKED?! I was/am very minimally working out, and have seen some great progress in just under 2 months! I’m down about 20lbs, and physically and mentally feel so much better. I have long way to go, but off to a good, well-paced, start.
The mental aspect has been MAJOR. Majorly hard, majorly important. Not turning to food during all of the emotional turmoil of the past few months has been nearly impossible some days, but some how, some way…. I’ve been doing it. And if I can do it, I have no doubt that anyone can. In the past food has been my friend, my crutch. I’d eat something totally unhealthy and wash it down with a beer or two to temporarily forget what was going on in the real world. But, as much as I love Dr. Nowzarden, I really don’t want to end up as one of his patients.
Starting to find a jaw line, and now looking for cheekbones and confidence!
Instead of turning to food or booze, I needed to find healthier outlets to cope with the shitstorm that is 2020. A few things that have helped:
Journal: If I feel like I need to eat out of emotion, I write down all that I am feeling. What is making me feel this way? Why do I want to eat? Am I really hungry? What actionable steps can I take that will actually solve my emotional distress?
Track your food: What you are eating, how much you are eating. AND DRINKING. Don’t forget your liquids. Also, look up the actual serving sizes of things and give yourself that much. Especially salad dressings, oils, cheese, etc.. It will be a shock and adjustment, but you will adjust. Promise. (You should have seen me when I first measured out a single serving of pasta)
Drink water. Drinking water really does help relieve stress. Gives you something to focus on. It also helps curb hunger, promotes weight loss and apparently helps clear up your skin. (I’m still waiting for the last part.) And, bonus! It helps get you some extra steps because you are peeing 73 times a day.
Accountability: Have a buddy, or a tribe. Accountability and support is key. Join facebook groups, have people you can message, text, etc. to complain with, motivate and get ideas from.
As total joke, I brought back my old #cookingwithjulie and to my shock, people actually started enjoying that content. It selfishly motivates me to keep coming up with healthy, creative recipes so that I can have some type of connection with the outside world. I’m all about giving the people what they want, so, today was born my newest Instagram @_cookingwithjulie. Feel free to give a follow for all of my recipes, ideas, etc.. Don’t worry, there will be plenty of fails and Maddy content.
I’m still trying to figure out where to take my blog in regards to recipes, my weightloss journey and all that, so if there is anything you want to see, let me know!
I haven’t written in a while, and due to the current shitshow of the world, felt inclined to do so.
We all have our opinions of how it is and was handled, the politics around it, and all that other stuff, but I’m not going to get into that here.
I do want to talk about dealing with quarantine and self-isolation. I live alone, and, it is exactly as it sounds… isolating.
It was hard enough when it started. Adjusting to working from home full time, not seeing friends or family. Hell, my new niece Piper was born and I have no idea when I’ll get to meet her. Not being able to go anywhere. Not to the gym, out for a drink, Target, to the coffee shop to write, to book club… you get it. No real opportunity for genuine human interaction.
All of that was taking a mental toll. I am very fortunate to have friends, family, and technology to help stay connected. I felt myself getting depressed, anxious and really down on myself. I’ve had, and will have more, times where I sat against the wall and cried. Cried out of fear, frustration, sadness, and loneliness. And, honestly, I still feel depressed and anxious. We’re about 3 weeks in and no where near the end of this.
I’ve never wanted a hug so badly.
And then when I was getting settled into those feelings, things took a turn.
If you know me at all, the universe has a sick sense of humor when it comes to my immune system and health. For whatever reason, no matter how hard I try, I get the most fucked up health issues. (I know… that’s dramatic, it could be SO MUCH worse, but this still really sucks, okay?)
About 10 days ago I got pretty sick and went downhill quickly. I had, and still have, extreme tightness in my chest and shortness of breath. I can barely walk to the bathroom without being totally winded and feeling like I ran a freaking marathon to get there (LOL it’s about 10 feet from my couch). I can’t get through a sentence without being totally out of breath and coughing every few words. Having a phone call with me is a real fun experience right now. Not to mention the chills, fever, being totally rundown and my body feels like I got hit by a bus. A tele-med appointment with the doctor led me to getting tested for covid a week ago.
If you’re wondering about the test, it was a drive-thru test. I needed a referral from my doctor and an appointment. I luckily got the first appointment of the day and it went quickly. Everyone had PPE and Medical professional #1 came to my window, I showed him my ID and he verified my info. I drove up and the 2 nurses came out and shoved 2 long q-tips very far and uncomfortably up my nose so far my eyes watered and I was wondering if it was worth it. The whole thing took about 10 minutes, but by the time I was finished there were already 40 or so cars in line. Keep in mind, this was just the beginning of the day.
Anyway…. back to the story. After the traumatic test, they tortured me a bit more and I had to wait 5 very long days for the results.
Thank goodness it came back negative!
I genuinely felt scared. And, still do, even without the ‘rona diagnosis. Not gonna lie about it. My current diagnosis still has me scared, and I think it’s okay to admit that. Breathing issues are fucking scary.
Once I got that “good” news, I had to go to the hospital (queue minor anxiety attack) to get more tests and a chest x-ray done to see why I’m feeling like shit and can’t breathe. I found out I’m positive for the flu and bad asthma. So, I guess the best case of a shitty situation? Idk. I never thought having the flu and asthma would be good but life is weird right now.
One thing I discovered is that it 100000% sucks to be living alone through this. I’d give anything to have someone here with me tucking me in, telling me it’s going to be okay and making me tea, but right now NOT sharing is caring. Like I said earlier, I’ve never wanted a hug so badly. I’m so grateful for the tribe of people checking in on me, reminding me take my temp and dropping medicine and supplies at my doorstep. It really does take a village and I’m so appreciative of mine. Every single text makes me feel less alone in this nightmare.
I’m not sharing this for sympathy, but as a reminder that no matter how careful we are all being you can still get sick. The only place I’ve been since 3/14/20 has been the grocery store, and even that has been limited and full of social distance. That’s the most human interaction I’ve had. It’s sad, but the reality. My hands are cracked and raw from washing them so much. I am relieved to finally know what is going on with my body so I can properly treat it. And let me tell you, it a’int easy being wheezy.
So friends.. stay home. I know we all want to see our friends and family. I miss people so fucking much. My cat loves me and is getting used to me (I think… or she’s letting me think that before she carries out her plan to kill me). I want to hug my mom and siblings. I want to meet my new niece and see how big the other three are getting. I want to hug my friends and have real face-to-face conversations. I really, really just want to spend some quality time outside. But if you don’t live with someone, you sadly shouldn’t be spending time with them. That’s the main point of all this social distancing. As hard as it is and as much as it sucks, that’s what we need to be doing. The less people we are around, and the less exposure we have, the less we unknowingly spread the rona, the quicker this can all be over.
I’m so lucky I “only” have the flu and asthma. People have it so much worse, and I think of them everyday.
I know I have a long road ahead, physically and mentally. And, I feel like others out there feel the same, so I want you to know you’re not alone. If there is anything I can do from a safe distance, I’m here for you. 🖤
Stay home. Wash your hands. Try and stay sane. We really are #togetherapart.
At the hospital waiting for my xray and tests. So grateful they had a mask for me. Not the best mask, but still a mask. Thanks to my recent Grey’s Anatomy binge, I kinda knew how to tie it!
I’ve come to realize that we live in such an apologetic world. In some ways. I know there are many ways in which the world is very unapologetic.
We tend to apologize for so many things, that really, we don’t have to be sorry for. I personally need AA (Apologizers Anonymous). I say sorry for being sorry. Always have, and hopefully, always won’t. (Oh, hi there anxiety!) It’s something I’ve been working on for a while now (even in therapy, it’s that much of a conscious problem for me). After talking to friends about this, I know I’m not alone.
Sometimes, we don’t even know whywe are sorry. I feel like it’s a natural reaction to just say “Oh, I’m sorry”. For example, a lady was rude to me at Dunkin Donuts last week and I apologized to her. WHAT?! WHY?! She tried to cut in line because she felt high and mighty, she bumped me and spilled coffee on me, but I APOLOGIZED. Yes, I know, I shouldn’t have. But, I did. It happened before I could stop my mouth and I was so upset with myself for days after. (Okay, and clearly still am if I”m writing all this about it now, but it’s a good example!)
We get sick, we apologize for having to miss work or events with friends. Yes, it sucks, and we don’t want to. But, do we really have to be sorry? Do we have to feel guilty? We got sick. It happens to literally everyone. We shouldn’t feel that guilt. But, we do.
We are exhausted (physically, mentally, or emotionally) and cancel plans. We say sorry. Sorry for being tired? Or sorry for canceling? If you’re like me, it’s a mix of both but you really feel bad that you’re tired and can’t hang like you used to. Next time, just say “Hey, I apologize for cancelling on you, but tonight just isn’t going to work out”. Not, “I’m sorry I’m so exhausted from this long freaking week”. We shouldn’t be sorry for giving life our all and needing a break every now and again.
Here are some other examples of things we apologize for, and alternates (Disclaimer, I have heard these from friends and the internet, so I can’t take any credit. But, I try and keep them tucked away in my brain and call them out each time I apologize for absolutely no good reason.)
I am so sorry I’m late! Thank you for being patient and waiting for me! This can be late to work, late for meeting a friend, getting a project to your boss/teacher late.
I’m sorry for being so emotional. Thank you for being so accepting of me and helpful. We ALL have emotions. Some of us show them more than others. One thing I’ve been apologizing for a lot since losing my dad has been for my emotions. Hard days, days where I just need to sit and cry. I always apologize. But, there’s no need. Sometimes we just need a friend’s shoulder to cry on. And, we don’t need to be sorry for it.
Sorry for fucking up again. Thanks for being there to help me clean this mess up! And for not giving up on me! If you’ve never made a mistake in your life, please message me and let me in on your secrets. If not, we’ve all been there and instead of apologizing, help a sista out.
Sorry for being so needy. Thank you for being a friend. A true friend will be there. And you’ll be there for them. It’s life, and friendship. If you have to apologize to make it right, then maybeeeeeee they aren’t as good a friend as you thought?
Sorry for talking your ear off! Thank you for listening! Again, we ALL need to vent. Does it really help? Scientifically? Not sure. I’m not a scientist. But, what I do know is that good bitching session does help me not want to kill someone!
Sorry that my house/desk/space is so messy! Thanks for being understanding of my organized chaos! Mess happens. Life goes on. For me, when my mental health isn’t great (which is pretty frequent lately, and I’m working on it), my physical space represents that. I know I’ll feel better when I clean/organize, but it’s so hard to do when the depression is creeping up. So, don’t judge someone’s mess as them being a “slob”. It could be more than that.
I’m sorry that you’re angry/upset. I am sorry you feel that way. I am sorry that I did “XXXXX” to cause you to feel that/you went through that experience. If you cause someone pain, don’t just say “sorry”. Apologize for what you may have done to cause their pain. If you’re sorry that something else happened, then that’s different. Be sorry that they went through that, not just that they are feeling that way.
Sorry for being me. No response for that one. Never apologize for liking the things you like, or doing the things you do (first hand experience on this one, it doesn’t help you, and doesn’t help the person you’re apologizing to). Unless you are legitimately doing something terrible. But that’s a whole other conversation.
So, basically, moral of the story here, is to try and figure out why you are sorry. It’s such an easy word to say, but means more when we understand why we are sorry. And, to stop apologizing for things that we really don’t have to feel sorry about.
Next time I apologize to any of you for no good reason, you have full permission to call me out on my shit.
One year ago, I wrote my first blog post. I was frustrated with a fibromyalgia flare up (and, ironically have a bad one again). I posted something on facebook about it and had a few people reaching out asking what fibromyalgia actually is. Instead of writing a realllllly long facebook post, I decided to create a quick, free blog to tell people what the f*ck fibromyalgia is.
I was terrified to actually hit “publish” on that first post. I did not consider myself a writer, and was so worried about what people would think and say about it. I was afraid people would think I just did it for sympathy, or that it was full of bullshit.
I was shocked when the opposite happened.
People didn’t ridicule or judge me. It connected me to people I know, and to total strangers who are literally all around the world. That one blog post led me to keep writing. To write about fibromyalgia, the loss of my dad, mental health, and just life in general. It led me to write for a Fibromyalgia website, as well as for Thought Catalog. NEVER in my life did I think I would be doing this. Connecting with people and helping them in this way. I’ve always been an empathetic person, and always wanting to help, but this really took it to a new level.
I thought maybe a handful of people would read my posts. To my disbelief, over 80,000 people have read my writing in the past year.
80,000.
WHAT?! That’s way more than just my mom reading it. It’s totally insane. In the best way possible.
When I started this blog a year ago, it sparked a change in me. A push outside of my comfort zone and a shove toward finding out who I really am. Through writing I have learned to open up to others, and more importantly, to open up to myself. It’s given me a confidence that I never knew I needed.
Lately I’ve been really thinking about how we get one life. That’s it. We don’t get a re-do. We spend so much time and energy stressing about every little thing and being so hard on ourselves. We often find ourselves living a life that we do not fully enjoy. And that made me realize I need to make a change. I need to make myself and the things that make me happy more of a priority. To set boundaries around different parts of my life that are holding me down.
I want to continue making connections with people. To help them through all of the hard parts of life, and be there to celebrate the good. Everyday, so many people are struggling and I want to be a voice in letting them know that it’s okay to not be okay all the time.
So, thank YOU all for reading along and supporting me this past year.
About 14 years ago I was “officially” diagnosed with fibromyalgia, depression, anxiety, and insomnia. This was after years of dead-end doctor appointments and being told that I’m “just a moody kid going through growing pains”. Well, first of all, at age 16 I was pretttttty sure I was done growing. No one knew why I was in constant, excruciating pain. And, no one really wanted to give me, or my parents, the diagnosis that their kid is a little f*cked up.
When I finally got my diagnosis I wasn’t as relieved as I thought I’d be. I was embarrassed. Mortified. Mental health was not widely talked about or accepted. I was diagnosed with a chronic pain syndrome that was normally found in people twice my age. I could go on A LOT about the issues with the mental health stigmas in our society, but that’s a whole other blog post. But, I will say this: If you, a family member or friend is struggling with their mental health, do not hide it. Do not brush it off. Do not be judgmental. Talk about it. Be a support.
Anywho, back to me. So, since my diagnosis I have tried a wide array of medications. Some multiple times with different doses. Just to name a few off the top of my head:
Cymbalta (duloxetine)
Lyrica
Lexapro
Gabpentin
Amitriptyline
Trazodone
Meloxicam
Topirmate
Naltrexone
All of that, and nothing worked. Some made me sick, some made me feel nothing. But nothing took away the pain, made me less anxious, or made me feel a little bit alive. I wasn’t sleeping for more than 45 minutes at a time (and still am not).
So, after a long struggle, I am happy to announce I am finally certified in Pennsylvania for Medical Marijuana.
Yes, some people don’t believe in it. No, you can’t get addicted to it.
I went to an informational workshop at Victus Health and Wellness Center in Phoenixville, PA led by Dr. Jeff Katra. He isn’t just a PCP, but actually specializes in cannibas and opiod medicine. So, he knows it all. It wasn’t just about medical marijuana. It was about the history of marijuana. It was about CBD. About how they work together. It was about how safe it is, and how different it is than other options. It was about the science behind it all. I feel so well informed going into this decision. So, I’m going to share a little bit of that knowledge here, but, I highly recommend Victus (or at least talking to a professional).
Isn’t a marijuana plant just a marijuana plant? Nope! There are 2 different types of marijuana plants: – Indica: more sedating – Sativa – more stimulating
Okay, so there are 2 different plants. But, what else makes medical marijuana special? I am SO glad you asked! So, medical marijuana is made up of THC and CBD. Which work well separately, but the real magic happens when they work together! (A little metaphor for life, eh?). Different combinations of THC and CBD can give different results. Want a little extra somethin’ somethin’? There is also something called terpenes which is an organic compound that adds different flavor and results to the combo.
Since it’s medical, does the marijuana stay in my system? It’s medical, not magic. So, yes. It does stay/show in your system. So it will show during a drug test (for work, DUI/DWI, etc.) Again, there are different strands, so you can find ones with a higher CBD to use when you need to be a functioning member of society.
Are there side effects? Yes. Again, all depending on how hard you hit the THC, but can make you anxious, bronchitis if you smoke it a lot, dry mouth, change in blood pressure, lethargic… and, the pizza place’s favorite… the munchies.
How addictive is it? It’s not.
So, since it’s legal in PA I can do whatever I want? You do you, but, it’s not recognized in all states or at a federal level, so don’t be an idiot.
Cool. So, you gonna throw it in a joint or a bong? Ummmmm, no? But you can. There are plenty of options. Let me break it down a little for ya:
Smoking flowers: you’ll feel it in 5-10 mins. (Don’t break up flowers with your hands because you’ll get the oils all over your hands, and not in your joint like you need. Use scissors.)
Vaporizing flowers: (not like the usual vape, you put flowers in a thing and then inhale the smoke from that… I am not explaining it well, but this does) Rapid and efficient, you feel it in 5-10 minutes.
Vaping cannabis oil: This was recommended for me. The most common form of vaping I’ve seen (but safe, not like this stuff on TV that people are getting from non-regulated places). Studies show it is probably safer than smoking it, but, nothing in life is guaranteed.
Cannabis tincture: This was also recommended for me. Takes 15 to 30 minutes to hit your system.
Edibles: Also something I’m into. You can put it in butter, gummies, brownies, cookies, etc.. Just be sure to mark them as such, especially if you have roommates or kids. (Dr. Jeff also gave me a recipe for cannabis butter, so…. he’s speaking my language on this one)
Topicals I have tried THC lotion and I am telling you that shit works. Obviously it wears off, but, oh my. It works. Within minutes I felt my pain subsiding. WHAT?! I know. It’s never happened like that.
Awesome! But, how much do I take? Due to vaping, smoking, cooking, etc. it’s hard to take a “dose”. It’s recommended to do trial and error and take small amounts until you feel it, and take it from there.
How do I know what strain to take? There are A TON of strains. I’m not going to list the whole document I have, but, you can definitely research online and at your dispensary. The dispensary will be able to recommend for you based on your condition(s) and what you are looking to get from it.
Fibromyalgia: Harlequin, Purps
Neuropathy: (Also tied to fibromyalgia) Harlequin, Cannatonic, ACDC, Cookies
Migraines: Gorilla Glue, Purple Haze, Blue Dream
Anxiety: Blue Dream, Sour Diesel, Purple Haze, ACDC, Suzy Q, Bubba Kush
Depression: Tangerine Dream, Bubba Kush, Zeta
Insomnia: Grape Ape, Purps, Hindu, Bubba Kush
My insurance covers this, right? I have the good plan. Unfortunately the consultation to get certified and the products are not covered by insurance. And, it’s not as cheap as the prescription pain killers. However, it is going to be well worth it.
All this has been great but how do I get it? Excellent question. First, you register on the PA medical marijuana website. You register, then see the doctor for the consultation. If they certify you, they will log into the website and put in some info. Once that is in, you’ll get an e-mail, pay the state $50, and get your card in about a week. (I will be stalking my mailman.)
Hopefully you found this interesting or helpful. Message me if you have any questions, and if I can’t answer them I will certainly do my best to point you in the direction of someone more qualified than I am.
I am just so excited (and honestly nervous) to finallyhave relief. I’ve spent about half of my life feeling like this, and can’t even imagine the new life ahead of me. I imagine something like this:
Until next time, when I’m hopefully in less pain, less anxious, and well rested. (For real y’all. I can’t wait to SLEEP. I don’t even know what 2 hours of solid sleep feels like.)
2019 was a hard year, to say the least. A bit of an uphill battle at times. But, as hard as it was, it was also rewarding, and full of learning and growth. If this year has taught me anything, it’s that I can, and will, overcome hard things.
As crazy as this year was though, I feel that I did become a bit stagnant in parts of my life. I definitely put self-care on the back burner. My health has been all over the place. My house is a mess. My social life is lacking at times. This past year I’ve lost some friends, and even more hair.
I’ve never been a person to make New Year’s Resolutions. “I’m going to go to the gym more”, “I’m going to fall in love”, “I’m going to blah, blah blah”. As I’ve said before, if there is one thing I’m consistent at, it’s being inconsistent.
My plan for 2020 is to focus on ME. To say yes to more things that challenge me, and say no to more things that don’t serve me. I saw something on Instagram recently that really got me thinking:
Go ahead and read that again. And, one more time. I am pretty confident when I say that I’m not the only one who cares what people think. This can unknowingly guide us to live our lives in a certain way to impress or fit in with people we may, or may not even, know.
In 2020, I want to start to break free from this. It won’t be easy. But I know I’ll be so much happier when I start to focus on me, and less about what others think. I am a very insecure person. I am always comparing myself to others and wondering what they think about me. “Am I funny enough?” “I’m not as pretty as her”, “I’m too fat”, and so on. That is not a healthy way of living. I need to focus less on what others think, and more on what I think. And, honestly, I bet no one is even thinking all the things I assume, because… well…. anxiety.
A friend said to me recently that life sucks, but you have to find your little corner of things and people you enjoy and do the best with it. Again, that little sentence has really stuck with me. It’s so easy to focus on how shitty life is. I’ve had a year of that. Yes, there have been great parts that I’ve celebrated and enjoyed. However, I feel like I really only talked about how hard it all was. One major thing I am taking away from 2019 is that I can still be grieving (because that may never end) but still live a happy and full life. Don’t get me wrong, by sharing what I did helped me connect with so many people and form an amazing tribe of support. I will forever be grateful for that. Writing and connecting with so many people has really opened up my eyes to things and changed my life. I don’t plan to stop writing about the hard parts of grief, mental and physical health, because I feel like it’s important to remind people they aren’t alone in it.
I plan on sharing, and living more of the joys in life. Of pushing myself more outside of my comfort zone to make new friends and connections to have in my corner. To work on existing friendships to make them even stronger, and to be there for those who have been there for me so much. To work on my mental and physical health by working with Victus to learn and incorporate new healthy habits into my life. These new habits will hopefully get my fibromyalgia stabilized and maybe even help my alopecia. All of this will 100% help my mental health!
I’ve already started on pushing myself a bit and started a book club with my friend Jen in Phoenixville (and virtually for those who aren’t local), Books and Brews. I had the idea and talked about it, and finally had the courage to follow through! Feels good to already be starting on finding my little corner of things and people.
I plan to keep this momentum going and to keep finding the things that bring me joy, and push me and scare me (in a good way, not like clowns). 2020 is going to be another year of growth and discovery. And hell, maybe I’ll even write that book!
The Life of Julie 