The Roaring 20’s

2019 was a hard year, to say the least. A bit of an uphill battle at times. But, as hard as it was, it was also rewarding, and full of learning and growth. If this year has taught me anything, it’s that I can, and will, overcome hard things.

As crazy as this year was though, I feel that I did become a bit stagnant in parts of my life. I definitely put self-care on the back burner. My health has been all over the place. My house is a mess. My social life is lacking at times. This past year I’ve lost some friends, and even more hair.

I’ve never been a person to make New Year’s Resolutions. “I’m going to go to the gym more”, “I’m going to fall in love”, “I’m going to blah, blah blah”. As I’ve said before, if there is one thing I’m consistent at, it’s being inconsistent.

My plan for 2020 is to focus on ME. To say yes to more things that challenge me, and say no to more things that don’t serve me. I saw something on Instagram recently that really got me thinking:

Go ahead and read that again. And, one more time. I am pretty confident when I say that I’m not the only one who cares what people think. This can unknowingly guide us to live our lives in a certain way to impress or fit in with people we may, or may not even, know.

In 2020, I want to start to break free from this. It won’t be easy. But I know I’ll be so much happier when I start to focus on me, and less about what others think. I am a very insecure person. I am always comparing myself to others and wondering what they think about me. “Am I funny enough?” “I’m not as pretty as her”, “I’m too fat”, and so on. That is not a healthy way of living. I need to focus less on what others think, and more on what I think. And, honestly, I bet no one is even thinking all the things I assume, because… well…. anxiety.

A friend said to me recently that life sucks, but you have to find your little corner of things and people you enjoy and do the best with it. Again, that little sentence has really stuck with me. It’s so easy to focus on how shitty life is. I’ve had a year of that. Yes, there have been great parts that I’ve celebrated and enjoyed. However, I feel like I really only talked about how hard it all was. One major thing I am taking away from 2019 is that I can still be grieving (because that may never end) but still live a happy and full life. Don’t get me wrong, by sharing what I did helped me connect with so many people and form an amazing tribe of support. I will forever be grateful for that. Writing and connecting with so many people has really opened up my eyes to things and changed my life. I don’t plan to stop writing about the hard parts of grief, mental and physical health, because I feel like it’s important to remind people they aren’t alone in it.

I plan on sharing, and living more of the joys in life. Of pushing myself more outside of my comfort zone to make new friends and connections to have in my corner. To work on existing friendships to make them even stronger, and to be there for those who have been there for me so much. To work on my mental and physical health by working with Victus to learn and incorporate new healthy habits into my life. These new habits will hopefully get my fibromyalgia stabilized and maybe even help my alopecia. All of this will 100% help my mental health!

I’ve already started on pushing myself a bit and started a book club with my friend Jen in Phoenixville (and virtually for those who aren’t local), Books and Brews. I had the idea and talked about it, and finally had the courage to follow through! Feels good to already be starting on finding my little corner of things and people.

I plan to keep this momentum going and to keep finding the things that bring me joy, and push me and scare me (in a good way, not like clowns). 2020 is going to be another year of growth and discovery. And hell, maybe I’ll even write that book!

Get ready 2020, I’m coming for ya!

-J

Life status: Currently holding it together with one bobby pin.

When I started this blog, I decided to open up and share about many aspects of my life. This vulnerability has honestly changed me and has connected me with people I’ve known for a long time, and people I’ve never met on the other side of the world. Sharing pieces of my life, good and bad, helps me and others know that we are not alone.

Recently I mentioned that I am experiencing hair loss. Which, is so embarrassing. I really have been going back and forth about how much I am comfortable sharing. I am a 31 year old, single, female, and I am rapidly balding. Pain? Anxiety? Depression? Grief? All things that I know other people go through, and all things I’ve gotten comfortable being uncomfortable talking about.

This week I was diagnosed with androgenetic alopecia. Basically, my body is producing hormones that it shouldn’t be, which is causing my hair loss. Oh, this is also male pattern baldness. So, ya know. That’s cool.

Again, this is so embarrassing. I feel like it’s the first thing people can see when they look at me. So, to overcome my anxiety about it I decided to just open up and deal with it. It’s nothing I did wrong or anything I can control. My body is out of whack a bit (what else is new) and I need to do what I can to fix it.

So, how do they treat it? Well…. I am on prescription shampoo twice a week, and an over-the-counter shampoo and conditioner in between and have apply Rogaine every day. On top of that, I am taking a prescription that is ironically primarily used for congestive heart failure, which, is essentially what led to losing my dad. The universe can be a funny bitch, can’t she? The medication is an anti-androgen, so it should hopefully combat and level out my hormones and stop my hair from falling out. The medication is also a water pill (to get rid of the excess fluid building up around the heart and lungs in heart failure), as if I don’t pee all the time anyway. This is all a major lifestyle change for a girl who only washed her hair twice a week.

I don’t want to sound ungrateful. I know the diagnosis could have been much worse. I was tested for lupus, and many other things, and this is honestly the best case scenario. As much as I know that and remind myself that, it still sucks. This past year I’ve felt like the universe hasn’t had my back, and this is just reinforcing that feeling.

Like I said before, I’ve opened up and connected with other people on less than pleasant things before, so I’m going to be open about this as well. So, here are some very embarrassing photos of my balding head. I didn’t look good bald as a baby, which is why my parents hid my bald head with my brother’s Santa hat, so fingers crossed this treatment works!

Okay, now that I distracted you with a baby picture, here is my balding head.

Reason #1 I’m glad I don’t do a center part… so that I can hide this.

I need to strategically style and part my hair to hide my old man bald spot in the back.

Yup, here it is, in all it’s glory. Not parted, au naturale. VERY ATTRACTIVE. I know.

Again, very embarrassing. Side of my head. I need to part my hair very carefully.

Based on all of this, I’m in the market for cute hats if anyone has any recommendations.

I know this could be worse. And that people have much worse diagnoses and problems, but this does suck. A lot. I’m doing my best to stay positive and optimistic. If anyone else is going through this, don’t hesitate to reach out. You’re not alone.

-J

Please feel free to browse through my blog for other posts, or check out some articles I have written for Thought Catalog here.