The Roaring 20’s

2019 was a hard year, to say the least. A bit of an uphill battle at times. But, as hard as it was, it was also rewarding, and full of learning and growth. If this year has taught me anything, it’s that I can, and will, overcome hard things.

As crazy as this year was though, I feel that I did become a bit stagnant in parts of my life. I definitely put self-care on the back burner. My health has been all over the place. My house is a mess. My social life is lacking at times. This past year I’ve lost some friends, and even more hair.

I’ve never been a person to make New Year’s Resolutions. “I’m going to go to the gym more”, “I’m going to fall in love”, “I’m going to blah, blah blah”. As I’ve said before, if there is one thing I’m consistent at, it’s being inconsistent.

My plan for 2020 is to focus on ME. To say yes to more things that challenge me, and say no to more things that don’t serve me. I saw something on Instagram recently that really got me thinking:

Go ahead and read that again. And, one more time. I am pretty confident when I say that I’m not the only one who cares what people think. This can unknowingly guide us to live our lives in a certain way to impress or fit in with people we may, or may not even, know.

In 2020, I want to start to break free from this. It won’t be easy. But I know I’ll be so much happier when I start to focus on me, and less about what others think. I am a very insecure person. I am always comparing myself to others and wondering what they think about me. “Am I funny enough?” “I’m not as pretty as her”, “I’m too fat”, and so on. That is not a healthy way of living. I need to focus less on what others think, and more on what I think. And, honestly, I bet no one is even thinking all the things I assume, because… well…. anxiety.

A friend said to me recently that life sucks, but you have to find your little corner of things and people you enjoy and do the best with it. Again, that little sentence has really stuck with me. It’s so easy to focus on how shitty life is. I’ve had a year of that. Yes, there have been great parts that I’ve celebrated and enjoyed. However, I feel like I really only talked about how hard it all was. One major thing I am taking away from 2019 is that I can still be grieving (because that may never end) but still live a happy and full life. Don’t get me wrong, by sharing what I did helped me connect with so many people and form an amazing tribe of support. I will forever be grateful for that. Writing and connecting with so many people has really opened up my eyes to things and changed my life. I don’t plan to stop writing about the hard parts of grief, mental and physical health, because I feel like it’s important to remind people they aren’t alone in it.

I plan on sharing, and living more of the joys in life. Of pushing myself more outside of my comfort zone to make new friends and connections to have in my corner. To work on existing friendships to make them even stronger, and to be there for those who have been there for me so much. To work on my mental and physical health by working with Victus to learn and incorporate new healthy habits into my life. These new habits will hopefully get my fibromyalgia stabilized and maybe even help my alopecia. All of this will 100% help my mental health!

I’ve already started on pushing myself a bit and started a book club with my friend Jen in Phoenixville (and virtually for those who aren’t local), Books and Brews. I had the idea and talked about it, and finally had the courage to follow through! Feels good to already be starting on finding my little corner of things and people.

I plan to keep this momentum going and to keep finding the things that bring me joy, and push me and scare me (in a good way, not like clowns). 2020 is going to be another year of growth and discovery. And hell, maybe I’ll even write that book!

Get ready 2020, I’m coming for ya!

-J

Clowns, geese, and Carson Wentz’s health

What do all of these things have in common?

THINGS I AM TERRIFIED OF.

Fear is a funny thing. The more I think about it, and the more I talk to people about it, I reaffirm the fact that we live in a very fear-driven society. We let it take hold of little, and big, parts of our lives. We have nightmares. We joke about it. We avoid people, places, and situations because of it.

Ironically people tell me that I am “fearless” because I skydive, live on my own, and open myself up in blogging. In reality, I am chock full of fear.

Fear can be tangible. Something we can feel, and touch. Like geese. They are tricky little assholes. And clowns. Dear God, fucking clowns. My mom dressed my sister and I up as clowns for Halloween when were in pre-school or kindergarten and I hated it. Yes, the homemade costume was cute. And i remember the pom-poms on the costume. But, clowns. They are terrifying. Happy? No. Yes, the IT movies are cinematic masterpieces. But then I’m terrified Pennywise is going to pop out of my sink or shower for the next few weeks (okay months) so… yeah. It’s great. As you can imagine Halloween time is fun for me.

I’m the photogenic one on the right with my eyes closed in fear and protest. But, look how cute the homemade costume was. And those bangs…..

Okay, let’s reel it back in.

Fear. Fear of rejection. Fear of being alone. Fear of disappointing others. Fear of disappointing ourselves. Something I think many of us share. Fact about me: I meet someone, we maybe go on one or two dates and I immediately make up a million “red flags”, aka totally bogus reasons as to why it won’t work out. I give into my fears of rejection and truly becoming a single spinster cat lady by rejecting myself before someone else can. (Hey, I’m fearful, not logical.)

Another fear of mine is vulnerability…. I guess I blew that one out of the water by writing this blog, huh?

I’m constantly trying to overcome my fears. How do I do this you ask? Well, for starters, by not crying and throwing my phone when I see a picture or video of a clown. Also, by not running the other way when I see a few geese at the park. But, let’s not talk about Carson. #trusttheprocess #yougetwhereiamgoingwiththis #gobirds

Just catching a Sixers game with my friend.

As much as I am trying to face my own rational (and irrational) fears, I know so many others are too. I love to encourage and support my friends and family in all they do. Especially when it comes to facing, and crushing, their own fears.

My best friend has a very real fear of flying. It’s been about 7 years and got to the point that she got off off a plane before the doors shut because her fear took control. This not only happened to her once, but twice. She finally decided that enough was enough. There is an airport not too far from where we live, and each year they do a Pennies-a-pound event, where you basically pay $40 and get to go for a plane ride in a small aircraft. All of the money raised goes to an organization that supports women pilots, which is amazing. #girlpower. She asked me if I wanted to go with her to support her in overcoming her fear, and my answer went something like this…. “YES YES YES YES YES”. I am so honored and excited to be asked to be part of such a big moment in her life. Today we went to the airport, talked to some pilots and went on an amazing airplane ride. AND SHE DID AMAZING. No panic. No backing out. Just crushing and taking control of her fears. She even wants to go back tomorrow. Did I mention she tried to do this 2 years ago but chickened out? If this isn’t inspiring, I don’t know what is.

So proud of her after the flight!

I think we all need to be a little more like her. Pick a fear, and find a way to control it, instead of letting it control us.

Happy fear killing, friends!

Go Birds!

-J

Please feel free to browse through my blog for other posts, or check out some articles I have written for Thought Catalog here.