“Perspective is often the key to happiness”

I’ve been doing a lot self-reflecting, and talking, about the state of my mental health lately.

Often times I find myself hyper focused on the fact that I’m not “100% okay” and therefore need to classify myself as “not okay”. It makes me come across, and feel like, a much more negative person than I’d care to be. It’s not fun. What I’ve found is that we (mainly I), need to allow ourselves to have parts of ourselves that are not 100% okay, while still enjoying life and focusing on those other pieces of us. Honestly, I’d love to meet someone who isn’t struggling with something related to their mental health because then I will meet a real life unicorn.

What I have found, is that most people I do surround myself with are going through their own struggles. The difference is some people may not be as willing, or able to be, as open as I am. What I’ve learned, sometimes the hard way, is that we need to set boundaries with each other about how much they are willing to take on of our own struggles (and vice versa). We need to be mindful not to bring others down by adding our own weight to what they are already carrying. What’s also important, is communication. Letting those in our lives know how much we are carrying, and how much we can take on. And also communicating that we may care, but can’t express it in the way the other may need. One thing I’ve learned recently is that many people in my life have different communication styles.

Like communication styles, everyone has different love languages. I’m realizing that in all relationships, not just romantic, it’s important to learn and understand our own love languages as well as those closest to us. I’m also realizing that it’s okay to have certain needs. I’ve always felt very selfish about having my own needs in any relationship,, but as a friend pointed out to me recently, I give and give and deserve to have that in return. Another big life lesson I’ve had to learn is that sometimes not sharing and understanding these needs do more harm than good.

I recently saw this, and it really resonated with me.

In any type of relationship, all of these make me feel safe, and understood. I’m making it a goal to learn more about my friends’ and family members’ love languages to best be there for them, and with them.

While digging deep about communication, relationships, and needs I had another realization. I’ve more-or-less always looked at myself as being broken, and not good enough to be loved. No one person has made me feel this way, and I’ve had people in my life make me feel really great. It’s me who views all my imperfections as flaws, when really, there’s so much more to me than that. Not everyone is ready or able to balance out someone like me, and that’s okay. It’s taken me a long time to get here, but, it’s okay. After looking back at years and years of relationships in various capacities, I now know that I want, and deserve, to be with someone who isn’t afraid to tell people we are together. Someone who will be there with me as I figure out life, and as they figure out theirs. To celebrate the good days, and hold my hand on the hard days. Someone to fall asleep with and wake up to. Just because I feel that I’m not perfect, doesn’t mean I don’t deserve happiness. Because, let’s be real. If I wait around until ‘I’m “fixed”, I’ll never give myself the chance to be happy.

All of this rambling really comes back to perspective. Just because there are some dark days, doesn’t mean the sun won’t shine again.

-J

It’s okay to feel lonely.

A lot of times, being lonely has negative connotation. Loneliness is defined as “a feeling of unhappiness about being socially isolated”. Being alone is often looked at as being sad and people usually have pity for you and make you feel worse than you should.

The introvert in me thrives off loneliness sometimes. Sitting at home, alone, in my sweatpants, eating take-out, drinking beer and watching trash TV. I’ve literally cancelled plans to stay home alone. Alone does not necessarily mean lonely to me.

I’ve been single for a few years, and have been living independently, alone, for most of that time. I’ve gone to work and left an empty house, and came home from work and no one was there. (Okay, my cat was, but…) I’ve dated, but haven’t had a constant person, or a serious relationship, in a long time. And that was all by choice. I wanted to know myself. I wanted to create my independence. I wanted to be sure that I could take care of and like myself before inviting someone into my life.

But recently, I felt a feeling I haven’t felt in a long time.

I feel lonely.

Not necessarily that I need a boyfriend. Because I definitely have shown myself that I don’t need a man to succeed. Not that I’m going to settle for the next guy to smile at me. But, I’m at an age where a lot of my friends are in serious relationships and getting married, and it has me realizing that I actually do want that. (Honestly, a terrifying realization.) I see my siblings in their marriages, having their lives, and realizing that as close as we are, they don’t have the time for me that they used to.

There is a piece of me that having a partner will fill. I’m not looking for “my better half”, or anything like that. I’m looking for someone to share my life. To cook dinner, to grab brunch and catch an Eagles game. Someone to be there for the good days, and the not so good days.

Loneliness isn’t making me sad. It’s actually a good feeling. It’s one I haven’t felt in a long time. Loneliness means growth. Acceptance. It means I’m recognizing what is good for me, and what I deserve. It means that I am at a place in my life I haven’t been in a very long time. A place where I am able to fully allow someone in.

Again, this doesn’t mean I’m going to settle for the next guy who talks to me. I’m not desperate. In fact, I’m far from it. I’m trying to enjoy all seasons of my life, and this one of them. (As much as I joke that I hate it, and give up, and am going to just get a few more cats and call it a day.)

I’m going to be so picky. I’m going to date. I’m going to have my heart hurt. But, I’m going to find the right person for me. Not the perfect person, because perfect doesn’t exist. I’m going to be lonely until I find what is best for me.

Being lonely is forcing me back to old habits that I got away from. I’m back to dating myself. I’m trying not to focus on finding someone. I’m going to let someone find me. I’m going by myself to get dinner or a beer. I’m going to go out Sunday for coffee alone, and then to the bar for a beer and to watch the Phillies play. I’m not going to stay at home because no one is around to go with me. I’m not going to wish I had more friends. I have enough friends. They are just busy.

Yes, being lonely does suck. There is no denying that. As much as I am enjoying this time, I’m only human. I see my friends in their relationships. My friends who aren’t hanging out with me because they are with their boyfriends, girlfriends, fiancés or spouses. There’s times I throw myself a little pity party about it. Times I pull up the online dating apps hoping for a match. But, after a brief moment of weakness, I remind myself that I’m a badass woman who doesn’t need a man. I don’t want to meet someone at a time of weakness. I want to meet someone when I am feeling my best and most confident about where I’m at in my life.

Feel lonely, because it mean’s you’re feeling, and that’s what is most important.

-J

Anxiety is a bitch.

This is all based off my personal, f*cked up relationship with myself and my anxiety.

You text someone, and it’s a little too long before you get a text back. You don’t see those 3 little dots pop up showing they are texting you back. Or, worse. You see the dots, and then they stop and disappear. Or, even worse than that…. they left you on Read. (Shout out to Apple for really helping those with anxiety.)

Then the panic sets in. That awful feeling in the pit of your stomach, and the racing thoughts.

“What did I do wrong”. “They aren’t interested in me anymore”. “They are mad at me”. “They found someone better”.

You see them on Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat, so you know they have their phone… but they aren’t answering your text. Or initiating a text. Or making you the center of their universe.

Speaking of Instagram, Facebook, and Snapchat. If someone doesn’t like our post or watch our story, that sends us into a spiral. The same type of questions. The same doubt. I recently learned to let go of that. It’s not easy, but it’s freeing. It’s only social media. It’s not that serious. But I found (okay, still am finding) myself getting upset and hurt that key people in my life aren’t “liking” things I post. Even writing this seems so dumb. But, I know it’s not just me. We look to see who watched our story. We check to see all the likes. It’s a weird form of validation that we seem to need, and it’s time to let that go.

You ask someone to hang out, grab dinner, or a drink. They say “Not tonight”. Again. The same panic. They’re over you. Done. This is it.

You get mad at them, they get mad at you, you break up, and your life is over.

But, NONE OF IT ACTUALLY HAPPENED.

We all do it, making up scenarios in our heads, and always, always going to worst case scenario. Always assuming someone is mad, disinterested, ghosting us, etc.. This goes for all types of relationships – family, friends, dating, co-workers. Even people we don’t know very well, or at all. We make assumptions and we all know what assuming does….

I’m not an expert or professional of any kind, but, from my personal experience I can tell you that your anxiety is a liar.

They didn’t text you back right away? They are probably busy. Sure, it seems like we always have our phones glued to us, but people do have lives and things to do that don’t involve instantly texting back.

They don’t want to hang out tonight? They could be busy, have other plans, or just want a night in, alone. I’m very introverted, and there are plenty of nights I don’t want to go out because I just want to be in by myself. If I feel like that, I’m sure other people do too.

I know that I have probably messed up friendships and possible romantic relationships from doing this. Becoming over clingy to avoid that feeling of distance. Becoming crazy and asking questions and assuming. Letting the made up, f*cked up story in my head get the best, or really worst, of me. It’s such a hard habit to break. From going to making a story in our heads, to taking a step back, and looking at things rationally. I feel like over the past year I’ve come a long way in this. Don’t get me wrong. I still make up the scenarios. But I’m finding that after a little bit of panic I’m able to take a step back, take a deep breath and realize that I’m probably 100% wrong in my worry. And, I usually am. The few times I am right, it’s a different type of feeling. It’s my gut. I need to learn to differentiate between anxiety and my gut, and to only listen to my gut. I am learning and working on looking at things rationally and logically. And, if for some reason someone isn’t happy with me, or interested in me, then that’s okay too. Life has, and will, go on. Worrying and stressing about it won’t help anything.

I told you, anxiety is a bitch. It causes me to over-analyze too many situations, especially relationships. Again, not just dating, but all types of relationships in my life. Some stressed me out more than others. Some were more one sided than others. If any type of relationship is causing that much anxiety, is it really worth it? I’ve learned it’s not and as painful as it is, to let some of those relationships go.

Anxiety is more than the made-up scenarios. It’s constant worry. Constant stress. About EVERYTHING. Relationships, health, money, society, the weather, global warming, the terrible Phillies season, will the Eagles win the Super Bowl again? Stress ends. You complete the task that had you worried, and poof! It’s gone. Anxiety is still there. The task is done, but what about what comes after? You find something new in the situation that causes you to still be concerned about. It’s exhausting.

A few things I’ve found that help when my anxiety is telling me a f*cked up story:

• Take a deep breath.
• Focus on 3 tangible things you have in your life.
• Take out a piece of paper, and write out the situation. Seeing it and having to write it will help you realize it’s probably not true.
• Text a friend. Tell them your crazy situation and they will be able to talk you off the ledge and bring you back to reality.

Don’t listen to your anxiety, listen to your gut.

-J