Sunshine on a cloudy day

A lot of times I write about the shitty pieces of my life, which clearly has A LOT of good content recently. But, I genuinely feel like I am a happy person deep, deep down inside. I love to laugh (mainly at my own jokes. I’m hilarious), love to make other people laugh (even if it’s at my own expense) and most of all, love to make other people happy.

A few people have told me recently I am a good writer and I need to give myself credit… so, yeah. Ya know what. This is weird, and new, and f*cking terrifying, but, I am kinda good at this. It all stemmed from a dark, low point of my life, but it really has helped me grow as a person, and helped me connect with others. I found my “thing” which I have been desperate to find for so long. To find a healthy outlet to navigate through life.

Which makes me happy.

We live in a world where as a society we are looking for someone or something to bring us happiness and fulfillment, whether it be temporary or permanent. We can look for that in material items, music, art, or relationships. We try to find something, or someone, to connect with us, to “fix” us. And I definitely was someone looking for that.

But, I was looking in all the wrong places.

I felt (okay, still feel) lost, and have been shuffling through various self-help books and articles when suddenly it hit me. SELF help. Self is such a key thing. I can read all the books, and do all the meditations and exercises, but I’m the only one in control of my true happiness. No one else. No book. No magic pill. Just me and my mindset.

I’ve been working really hard the past few weeks to really be conscious of my thoughts and attitudes and realize I live A LOT of my life in fear. Fear of not being good enough, pretty enough, funny enough. Fear of rejection. Fear of loneliness. Fear of letting others down and disappointing those I love and care about. Fear of my mental and physical health. Just a lot of unnecessary fear. When I feel myself being afraid, I try to pick it apart in my brain. “Okay, worst case scenario, my fear happens in this situation- will I get through it? Yes. Will the world stop and burn into a fiery ball of doom? No.” Now instead of living in fear, I’m trying to just live. It’s not easy. I’m still terrified of so many things. But, life will go on.

I’m trying to pull that same shift into other aspects of my life too. For example, instead of thinking “I look fat in these pants”, I try to think “Damn my hips look nice and curvy today”. Instead of mourning the loss of my contact lens days, I’m getting excited about new glasses and getting to change up my look.

Please don’t read this and think that I’m suddenly 100% happy and healthy. I’m still the same Julie we all know and love. But, I’m working on it. I’m working on shifting my mindset from fear and loathing, to self-love and freedom.

Buckle up friends, it’s sure to be a bumpy (but fun and exciting) ride.

– J